So guys I am sorry to say…I have absolutely stole this idea, shameful right? But I saw this in a it last night and I couldn’t stop thinking about it! I love the idea and I think it’s a really good foundation to start my online family on. So here’s a few confessions I have never told ANYONE.
Do you feel special yet?
Sometimes I feel really suicidal. I have never tried to kill myself but I have twisted a scarf round my neck and held it there, tight just to see what it felt like. I knew at worse I would pass out. But I wrote a note and put it under my pillow just in case. I was 15.
When I was a little bit younger (around four years ago) I became obsessed with a dance group called Diversity. Ashley Banjo was my idol and Perri was my imaginary best friend. When things started to get rough a little bit later I imagined Perri was in my head giving me guidance. Even though I’ve grown out of Diversity know whenever I give myself advice in my head I always answering back to the voice ‘yeah I know, Perri’ or ‘thanks, Perri’.
Maybe I just don’t want admit that my only real friend…is myself. And even we fall out sometimes.
In Year 9 I wasn’t aware of my sexuality. Being as shy as I was, I never had many friends and romantic relationships were wayyyyyyy out of the question. So maybe I never had a reason to?
Anyway in this first year at a new school I was friends with a girl named Emily (Fake name) who had beautiful firey hair and was kind to everyone. We were working towards a deadline so she invited me to spend lunchtimes with her in the art classroom. On the second day in the week, at lunch she asked me out.
I was in shock. I had never been asked out before. I was aware it was a girl as well and I didn’t even know if I could become romantically involved with girls, if I even felt that way. I really didn’t want to say yes, only to realise I didn’t.
So I said I’d give her an answer on Friday and when Friday came around I said no. Stupid, right? Maybe it’s because of my anxiety, but I have regretted that ever since.
Now this crush confession is about a boy..have you guessed my sexuality yet? I was in Year 11 when I first noticed him I think, he was in my year and go that same bus as me. He was cute, really cute. But I never knew him or talked to him.
When year 12 rolled around we both decided to stay at the same school as it was also a college. We both still got the same bus and this is where things got…interesting.
He started looking at me, a lot. On the bus and in the coach park I could sense him looking at me but when I looked up I could see him look away. This went on throughout Year 12, I was still shy and anxious so the most response I could give with a smile an a wave when I got off the bus.
In April we both joined the Liasion committee and our first event was a parents information evening for prospective students. I was placed in the drama hall to lead parents to their appropriate room. And guess who was sat next to me…you guessed it, Bus Boy.
He said Hi when he sat down and started making conversation and I was FREAKING OUT. I don’t know if any of you have anxiety but talking to strangers is horrible but talking with strangers YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON is like being thrown in the deep end of the swimming pool without a single lesson.
Our weird little flirty conversation though lasted about five minutes and then the presentation started. A couple of times he whispered things in my ear about the headteacher and both times my heart skipped a beat.
Then he left, hardly saying goodbye. When I got home I realised he had sent me a friend request on Facebook (I had it this a mere week before, explicitly for convenience) . I immediately accepted and we started talking again. And then about three lines into our conversation I flirted with him and he CALLED ME OUT ON IT. Who does that?? I tried to joke my way around it but he insisted so I admitted. He just said ‘Wow’. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.
We talked on and off since then, I admitted I had a crush on him and he said he found me ‘physically attractive’ (What?). But it was a turn-off that we didn’t talk, baring in mind he had stared at me on the bus without saying a word to me for a YEAR up to this point.
Long story short, now he has a girlfriend and I’ve stopped playfully calling him ‘cute’ when I message him. He still stares at smiles at me in the corridor, and if I’m feeling nice I’ll smile back. If not, I ignore him and walk pat with my head held high, what else can I do?
So how do you like my not-so-small confessions? I’m going to be honest, it’s a relief to get some of these off my chest and I would really like to hear your opinions. Do you have anything to tell? Leave a comment! We can all help each other.