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Spontaneous post

Hey guys!

So I’m feeling pretty spontaneous right now, so I thought a blog post was required.

I’m in the car right now, my dad’s driving us to Tescos. I wish I could drive, most of my friends can but the thought of doing that on top of studying, anyone feel the same?

My brother and dad are arguing about homework, it’s quite funny really. I love these little family moments when people are laughing and there’s a real sense of connection in the air, you know?.

 

Much Love,

Amber

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P.s This post was from a little while ago but I looked back at it and thought it was too cute not to post.

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Ideas?

Hey guys,

So lately I’ve been thinking I should write a post but I’m not sure what on. I mean…my life isn’t particularly exciting or interesting. You guys don’t wanna hear my shopping list do you? Or what I fed the cat today or how many episodes of Arrow I watched? Or maybe how many hours of revision I’ve done…no? Didn’t think so.

Anyway, so I’m compiling a list of ideas but I don’t wanna post anything that you guys don’t wanna read. So, what do you guys wanna see? Study tips…eating habits…it’s really up to you, I could ramble about anything 😉

I might do a post on my eating habits which are pretty terrible at the moment to be honest. I’m trying to be my healthiest for my A-Level exams in June…but anyway yeah that’s a whole other rant, I’ll let you know.

How about hat programmes I recommend??? Arrow is fantastic, I have a huge marvel obsession at the moment.

My *cough* non-existent *cough* love-life? I’m not going to lie, that would be a very short post.

It’s pretty hard to think of ideas for blog post and congratulations to those who manage to post something every day! Maybe you have some?

Let me know by commenting below and hopefully I’ll do a post soon on whatever you guys chose.

Or…maybe just another rant, we’ll see 🙂

Much Love,

Amber

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P.s My shopping list consists mostly of fruit, vegetables and vegan meat. The cat had some puree wet food and I watched approximately seven episodes of Arrow today..don’t judge me..

Life Update

Hey guys so I haven’t done a post in a while and I really want to know how my little online family are doing, how are all of you?

Ok, you’ve got me that’s not all I wanted to say there is other things I want to talk to you about.

The last week has been horrible for me mainly because my best friend, we are going to call her Sophia has completely taken arms against me and even though I tried to make things right I just seem to make things worse.

After nearly a week of being insulted then trying to say the right thing only to be pointed out something else I’ve said could have been considered insulting I’ve decided something.

Friendships are wonderful and special and you should hold on to them for all they are worth but if they are taking more from you than giving back are they really beneficial to you? This is one of those hard times when I have to decided to be selfish. To put aside someone else feelings to save myself and just pray they have other friends to rely on.

I’m scared though, because Sophia wasn’t just my friend she was my best friend and without her I’ll be alone again for the majority of the time. I just hope I’m strong enough to handle that.

I may edit this post later because there is so much that has been left unsaid but until then…

 

Much Love,

Amber

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P.s Have you any friendships that have gone drastically wrong? Please leave me a comment to let me know I’m not the only one to have to soldier through this situation!

Anxiety – Living in Fear

Ok so I touched on this topic yesterday, but I don’t think I went into quite enough detail.

There was a picture quote I saw the other day which, to me, summarised it pretty well.

“People with anxiety perceive the world differently – their brain lumps both safe and unsafe things together and labels them all unsafe”

Basically what this means is my brain can’t tell when I’m in danger and when I’m not so it forces me to act like I am all the time. This results in me being constantly apprehensive or anxious. At the slightest thing, my heart beat will rise, I’ll start sweating and my hands will shake. Otherwise known as the fight or flight response. When you have anxiety the option you chose is nearly always flight, or at least hide.

This morning I had form with my form tutor and he was going round the tables, chatting with us about how we were doing.

Then he got to our table.

He pulled up a chair an sat down, always a bad sign. Then he asked in general how everyone was doing before turning straight to me and started talking about my anxiety. My mind was freaking out and I went quiet as a mouse.

Basically I had had an intervention meeting the week before and the teacher I had it with had told him everything.

He started suggesting that he could walk me to class when I was late…IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS. No knew about my anxiety but my parents and the teacher at the intervention meeting. He didn’t even realise.

This wasn’t what worried me the most though, it was the way he talked about it…like I was just shy. Like it could be fixed by a word from a teacher.

It’s never that simple.

He doesn’t understand how on the walk to the classroom I would feel sick to my stomach and stumble along the corridor.

He doesn’t understand in my mind, danger lurks behind every corner. I feel like I am always being watched.

He doesn’t understand that if I was unlucky enough to see someone on the way I would stutter my words and be unable to focus.

He doesn’t understand that halfway there my hands would go numb. My mind would leave my body and suddenly I’d be watching in third person. My throat would be dry, I would be sweating and shaking and then suddenly…Id be there.

He doesn’t understand that when I arrive I would hesitate outside the door, sometimes not being able to resist the urge to run. I would search my mind quickly for an excuse and then realise I was taking too long. I’d be forced to push open the door, terrified someone inside saw me hesitating.

Then I’d be in, but far from safe.

He doesn’t understand the whole class would look up at me and my heart would jump into my throat. If I was lucky they’d be doing an exercise, if not the teachers stops talking when I walk in.

He doesn’t understand when he asks for an excuse my voice would shake as I mumble ‘I overslept’ praying for no more probing questions.

I’d sit down.

He doesn’t understand I’d learn nothing that lesson, taking notes like a zombie. My voice a mere whisper when my friends try to talk to me.

He doesn’t understand as soon as the bell rings I would hurriedly back my bag and run. I’d walk as fast as I can to the bathroom, hardly able to hold in the tears that have been trapped for an hour. My eyes swimming, I’d then rush into a cubicle and slam the door shut. Then the tears would fall.

Finally.

He doesn’t understand I would be in there for two minutes or two hours, depending on when my next lesson is. Then I would wipe my eyes clean, put on some spray, fix my hair and make up and then plaster a fake smile on my face.

The I’d be gone.

I would think about this instance for a week before it slipped my mind. If it was a particularly bad encounter, the teacher probing with more and more questions, I may never forget it.

Can you see why I can’t go to class late now?

Sorry for the depressing post guys! I rally wanted to get this off my chest. In return is there anything you would like to say? Do you have any tips for me or other people?

Much Love,

Amber

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Small Confessions

So guys I am sorry to say…I have absolutely stole this idea, shameful right? But I saw this in a it last night and I couldn’t stop thinking about it! I love the idea and I think it’s a really good foundation to start my online family on. So here’s a few confessions I have never told ANYONE.

Do you feel special yet?

 

Confession #1

Sometimes I feel really suicidal. I have never tried to kill myself but I have twisted a scarf round my neck and held it there, tight just to see what it felt like. I knew at worse I would pass out. But I wrote a note and put it under my pillow just in case. I was 15.

Confession #2

When I was a little bit younger (around four years ago) I became obsessed with a dance group called Diversity. Ashley Banjo was my idol and Perri was my imaginary best friend. When things started to get rough a little bit later I imagined Perri was in my head giving me guidance. Even though I’ve grown out of Diversity know whenever I give myself advice in my head I always answering back to the voice ‘yeah I know, Perri’ or ‘thanks, Perri’.

Maybe I just don’t want admit that my only real friend…is myself. And even we fall out sometimes.

Confession #3

In Year 9 I wasn’t aware of my sexuality. Being as shy as I was, I never had many friends and romantic relationships were wayyyyyyy out of the question. So maybe I never had a reason to?

Anyway in this first year at a new school I was friends with a girl named Emily (Fake name) who had beautiful firey hair and was kind to everyone. We were working towards a deadline so she invited me to spend lunchtimes with her in the art classroom. On the second day in the week, at lunch she asked me out.

I was in shock. I had never been asked out before. I was aware it was a girl as well and I didn’t even know if I could become romantically involved with girls, if I even felt that way. I really didn’t want to say yes, only to realise I didn’t.

So I said I’d give her an answer on Friday and when Friday came around I said no. Stupid, right? Maybe it’s because of my anxiety, but I have regretted that ever since.

Confession #4

Now this crush confession is about a boy..have you guessed my sexuality yet? I was in Year 11 when I first noticed him I think, he was in my year and go that same bus as me. He was cute, really cute. But I never knew him or talked to him.

When year 12 rolled around we both decided to stay at the same school as it was also a college. We both still got the same bus and this is where things got…interesting.

He started looking at me, a lot. On the bus and in the coach park I could sense him looking at me but when I looked up I could see him look away. This went on throughout Year 12, I was still shy and anxious so the most response I could give with a smile an a wave when I got off the bus.

In April we both joined the Liasion committee and our first event was a parents information evening for prospective students. I was placed in the drama hall to lead parents to their appropriate room. And guess who was sat next to me…you guessed it, Bus Boy.

He said Hi when he sat down and started making conversation and I was FREAKING OUT. I don’t know if any of you have anxiety but talking to strangers is horrible but talking with strangers YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON is like being thrown in the deep end of the swimming pool without a single lesson.

Our weird little flirty conversation though lasted about five minutes and then the presentation started. A couple of times he whispered things in my ear about the headteacher and both times my heart skipped a beat.

Then he left, hardly saying goodbye. When I got home I realised he had sent me a friend request on Facebook (I had it this a mere week before, explicitly for convenience) . I immediately accepted and we started talking again. And then about three lines into our conversation I flirted with him and he CALLED ME OUT ON IT. Who does that?? I tried to joke my way around it but he insisted so I admitted. He just said ‘Wow’. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

We talked on and off since then, I admitted I had a crush on him and he said he found me ‘physically attractive’ (What?). But it was a turn-off that we didn’t talk, baring in mind he had stared at me on the bus without saying a word to me for a YEAR up to this point.

Long story short, now he has a girlfriend and I’ve stopped playfully calling him ‘cute’ when I message him. He still stares at smiles at me in the corridor, and if I’m feeling nice I’ll smile back. If not, I ignore him and walk pat with my head held high, what else can I do?

The end.

 

So how do you like my not-so-small confessions? I’m going to be honest, it’s a relief to get some of these off my chest and I would really like to hear your opinions. Do you have anything to tell? Leave a comment! We can all help each other.

Much Love,

Amber

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Blog Post #2

Hey guys!

So I was having dinner with my family at this place called Swiss Cottage (have you heard of it???). And I had a little flashback to this time a few year ago, in that exact same place…do you want to hear it? Well if you insist..

I’m nearly positive it was summer because even though we were having dinner, outside still held dancing rays of sunlight which shone on the lime green grass, swaying gently in  the summer breeze.

I was around twelve I think, my brother nine. As soon as we ordered our food he dragged me outside to play in the park area. He was still playful back then and adventurous, never able to sit still. Now he’s a slave…to his S6 edge. You’d be lucky if he talked to you once at dinner without you forcibly making him join in the conversation.

We climbed the slide (like all bad ass children did) and chased each other around the climbing frame. As the sky started to get dusky we explored the trees and bushes tucked away in he corner of the playspace.

I laughed while I climbed the trees and my bother pined below. I jumped onto the back wall and dropped down on the other side, not realising or caring that maybe I wouldn’t be able to find my way back up again.

As my brothers calls faded into the distance I realised I was in a private car park, cut off from my parents and my brother…from reality.

It was beautiful feeling of adventure and mischief. I hadn’t felt that feeling before.

I was always a good child, quiet and reserved. I made few friends but those I did make friends with I was loyal to. I got top grades in school and was silent unless spoken to, hardworking and co-operative in class.

Being totally out of reach made me experience freedom I had never felt before…but it didn’t last long.

My brother calls got louder and eventually I jumped and grabbed the wall to haul myself over and off we went, running back to the cottage where our parents were waiting.

 

So…what do you think? What’s your ideal version of the story? Do you have any childhood reflections to share? Please tell me in a comment below, I would love to hear from you ^.^

Much Love,

Amber

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